Never in my wildest dreams or nightmare, rather did I think just existing would be so exhausting. It’s funny because some folks think because I’m light skin, I somehow get a pass from all the prejudice of my darker counterparts. I wrote about this in a previous blog called “Light Skin Privilege? HA” if you want to read more about that. But nothing is different for me. I have the same struggles as my darker counterparts. Being black wasn’t always so much of a struggle. By that I mean it seems to have gotten so much harder in recent years. I mean just being black has been a battle. I know my brothas struggle as well but since I’m not one, I’m going to speak on being a black woman. I can’t even begin to speak on how my brothas feel walking around presumed as a threat in every situation just because of the color of skin, the size of his body or the tone of his voice. Brothas just know that we stand with you, behind you and for you!
In the workplace, I’ve always known that I had to dial back my blackness. Black people, black women specifically, know that we must put on an act when we step into the office. Where our white counterparts can be passionate about their work and defending it, black women are seen as aggressive. Where white women can have a bad day, black women are seen as having an attitude or not being approachable. Where a white woman can have a complete meltdown at work and be consoled, if a black woman has that same meltdown, we’re viewed as unstable. There is no compassion for the black woman at work or anywhere for that matter. If we’re anything other than nice or easy going, then we’re labeled as difficult. We know this so black woman keep it in check in the office.
Not much changes when we go into a store either. A black woman can literally go into a beauty supply store that’s specifically for us and be followed by the very people who want our money. They want us to patron their businesses but don’t trust us. Don’t believe me, walk into any black beauty supply store, and see how many cameras they have. Watch how they walk behind the black people in the stores or how they keep their eyes on them. It’s not just these stores. If we go into any boutique, specialty, or high-end store, you’ll see the same thing. It’s gotten so “normal” for us that I don’t think many of us even notice it anymore but it’s there. This is one of the reasons why you now see so many black people asking for and wanting to support black owned businesses. We can be ourselves there. We can relax and enjoy the shopping experience like everybody else.
Now back to work, I want to share some experiences that I’ve had over the years. About 8 years ago, I was accepted into a program at work for managers. During this class, we talked about living our “True North”. I spoke on this in my last blog. It’s all about living your true self. Taking away the different masks and being your most authentic self regardless of where you are. It was then that I started to slowly be myself at work. Up until that point, there was always a work me and a home me. “Living” two different lives was stressful but it was necessary at the time. When I came back from that course, I felt differently about how I was going to be at work and at home. It was the start of me living authentically at all times. In doing so, I was a better employee, manager, and person. I was able to just be myself. It sounds crazy that you have to work to get to that point. Being yourself seems to be the most natural thing to do but you’d be surprised how many people aren’t doing so for one reason or the other. Read more about my journey in my previous blog titled “Are you living the way you want to be remembered”.
When you’re black, you know there are still things you can’t do. You can be yourself, but you have to tone it down. There are still things you don’t do. I mean, it even comes down to the foods you eat. I remember one time I happened to have leftover fried chicken for lunch and watermelon as my fruit. I ate at my desk because I didn’t want others to see me and immediately go to that stereotype. Isn’t that CRAZY, we feel we can’t even eat certain foods without being judged. Is there ANY other race that deals with this?
Don’t get me started with our hair. If I had a dollar for every time I got the question “how did your hair grow so long so fast?” after getting braids. That was years ago but I bet you every black woman who has had braids or extensions has been asked this. Then more recently, I was in a Zoom meeting, and I happened to have on a headband wig. My director said, “Oh wow, your hair has grown so much.” I said, “This is a wig.” She said, “oh I didn’t know you did that type of thing.” I paused and was like WHAT does THAT mean? “That type of thing.” And what’s crazy is after that day, I started getting more of the “Hey Girlfriend” and other slang sayings. My work didn’t change. My commitment to my job didn’t change. My level of knowledge didn’t change but because of their views on the type of person they think wears wigs, they changed how they responded to me. They are one more comment away from me saying something. I just hope when it happens, I’m not in a mood because otherwise it could go all bad. I really like my team and the work that I do but I’m not about to go through this nonsense. We have a diversity and inclusion class coming up and I’m going to bring up this incident. Hoping it will lead to an open and honest conversation as well as awareness to their judgements and bias.
Lately some other women have been experiencing these types of judgements. When Covid came out, Asian women, and Asian people in general, were asking for people not to hate them because of their race. They were being attacked by ignorant people who blamed the Covid virus on them. I remember seeing the commercials, reading about the benefits and all the things done in order to help fight against Asian hate. I believe there was even a bill or two passed for it. Asians were asking for help from the black community because they knew we would understand. And here’s what I find sad about this whole situation. It is horrible the hate that happened in the Asian community. I don’t condone it at all and hate that they went through it. But as soon as things settled down with them, they went right back to following us black people in their stores again. All the media outlets that ran the commercials and sponsored the benefits to stop Asian hate, called black people thugs and the BLM movement a scam while we were crying out against social injustice after George Floyd and others. You see why being black can be taxing. Why are we seen so different from others?
Then the world caught on to “Karens”. WHOA once white women started being labeled Karens, they lost their minds. They didn’t like that at all. There were tears and an outcry to get people fired for the use of the term. White women even had the nerve to say being called a Karen felt like being called a nigger. What the hell!! The audacity!!! They really tried to compare the black man’s lifelong struggle and that hateful word to the Karen phase. Unbelievable!!
The hope of a lot of black people during these times was that others would see the struggle and the pain of being judged by the way you talk, walk, dress and the color of your skin would somehow open their eyes to what black people have been dealing with for years. It didn’t even come close. Because after it all settled down, the Asians that hated us before, went right back to hating us again. The white women who hated us before, went back to being afraid of us again. There were absolutely no lessons learned and that’s the saddest part of it all.
You may think that because being black is tough that black people would rather be a different race. I can promise you for many of us, there’s nothing else we’d rather be. Although the world SAYS they hate us, I call BS on that. Yes, some folks do, but you can’t say you hate someone, yet try to imitate their culture. So many use our dance moves, wear our hairstyles, get their bodies surgically revamped to look more like what we have naturally. So, for some is it hate or jealousy?? There’s a saying in the black community, “Everybody wants our rhythm but not our blues”. This is so true. They want our style. They want our body types and features. They want our music. But they don’t want the hate, the judgement, the bias that comes with it AND what’s even more important and sad is they don’t want to stand up to those who do hate us.
I love being a black woman. Although we have our struggles and some of the world sees us as less than, we still thrive. In my opinion, black women are some of the most amazing creatures on the planet. We’re so resourceful. We’re so resilient. We’re so proud. We’re so beautiful. We’re so powerful. AND we’re so TIRED!! We just want to be able to be ourselves and not have every movement picked apart. We just want to be able to let out a scream of frustration without being labeled an angry black woman. We just want to be able to have passionate conversations about our beliefs without being labeled aggressive. We just want to be able to wear our hair the way it grows out of our heads without needing a law to do so. We just want to be able to walk around a store to shop for things without being followed like a criminal. We just want to be… that’s it. We just want to be… just be whatever it is we want to be. If we want to be loud, we want to be loud without being called ghetto. If we want to be strong, we want to be strong without being called manly. We want to wear our natural hair without it being called nappy. We just want to BE! LEAVE US BE! LET US BE! Because if you haven’t noticed by now, regardless of how we’re treated, we’re going to BE anyway! We’ll still thrive despite it. Will we get exhausted? YES! But we’re going to keep on going because that’s what we do. No matter how tired we get, we just keep going, exhausted and all. It’s what we do!!!
So, the next time you see a black woman, before you judge her, STOP! Be the change and just let her BE!
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