Divorce…
Man! It’s not something I ever wanted to go thru. I don’t think anybody does. But things happen and it’s inevitable in some cases. I want to talk to you about my experience with divorce.
The only divorce I went through that impacted me directly was my parents. I don’t know if parents really think about how the children are affected when their parents go through a divorce. I was only about 7/8 when my parents divorced, and I was a daddy’s girl. I’m even named after him. So, when my mom left him, I was so lost. I somewhat remember that day. I remember my mom being in a rush to get us out the house. I don’t remember us taking much other than a hamper with some clothes in it and some personal items. I remember thinking WHY are we leaving first of all and why can’t I take my Barbie house, dolls, clothes, and other toys. I didn’t know it at the time, but my mom was ESCAPING my father. In my eyes, my dad was sweet, loving, giving and could do no wrong. He was perfect. So, I was low key mad at my mom for taking me away from him. It wasn’t until later that I learned that my dad was abusing my mom and she literally had to escape to get away. I don’t ever remember my dad hitting my mom, but I had seen him do some other things as I grew up where it wasn’t a reach for me to think my dad would do it. My dad wasn’t a bad guy. He was an awesome father but not a good husband. Both of his wives said that. BUT they both remained friends with him. I think my dad knew he was wrong which made it easy for him to get along with both his ex-wives after the fact. He even met my stepdad. It wasn’t on the best of terms, but he met him and respected him for taking care of his daughters.
But back to the actual divorce. I remember that being such a painful time in my life. Everything changed. Our home, my school, my lifestyle. I didn’t want for anything when I was little but when we left my dad, we struggled. We moved in with my aunt and her family for a little while. We didn’t have many things and I had to share a room. As a kid, that’s like the end of the world. Going from having a room full of toys and both parents, to sharing a room with your sister, cousin and having barely anything to call your own. I was angry, sad and I just wanted my mom to take us home.
I remember visitation with my dad. I cried every time I had to leave him in the beginning. I think I only stopped because my mom said if I kept crying, she wouldn’t let me go back. I don’t know if she meant it or not, but I didn’t want to risk it. I would cry quietly in my room when I got home or in the shower. It was a very lonely time for me. I eventually got over/through it, but it wasn’t easy. Times weren’t like today where kids are encouraged to speak their truth, their feelings. Back then, we had to suck it up and keep going. It’s no wonder you have a whole generation of people who are just now learning to cope with trials and heal their old wounds. I think in a way, it helped me today though. Because I went thru all that pain, I KNEW I didn’t want to put my kids through a divorce. So, it was a discussion my husband and I had before we got married. He told me early on, he didn’t marry me to divorce me so any issues we would have to work them out. I was there with him until about year 7 and again at year 20ish. I thought about my kids and said to myself, I got through it, they will too. I wasn’t thinking about the pain of the little girl going thru the divorce of her parents but rather the pain I was feeling in the marriage. I was miserable in my marriage. We just couldn’t get on the same page. Had I had my way, I would more than likely be divorced from Eric today. It’s a good thing, no, a GREAT thing, he came to me and said tell me what I did wrong and how I can fix it. He said we are going to work this out. We will not be getting a divorce. That was at year 7. He said the same when I approached him at year 20. By then the kids were older and so I thought for sure, they would be fine. We didn’t divorce but I talked to my children about it, and it turns out, the age doesn’t matter. They all said it would have devastated them. They don’t even know a world where their parents aren’t married and how to navigate that. It’s interesting to me to hear that but it also but a different spirit within me hearing them discuss it. I have now taken divorce completely out of my vocabulary when it comes to my marriage. It’s been about 11 years since I wanted to divorce my husband and since then we’ve had our issues. The difference this go around is that divorce never entered my mind. Once I really understood what it would do to my children, even as adults, I didn’t even entertain the thought. I’m not saying I stayed in my marriage for my children. I don’t think that’s a good reason for any couple to stay married. But what I am saying is I found a way to work out any issues, so it never even got there. That’s what a marriage is anyway correct? There’s going to be ups and downs and you have to work through them. This new way of thinking has been refreshing! I think it’s a big reason my husband and I can get through issues quicker and not stay mad when we do have disagreements. We both know we MUST work it out so we find a solution and it’s much faster than before where we would let things foster in anger. Then we’d get so fed up, I’d be ready to walk. Well when you take the option of divorce off the table, you find a way.
What I noticed too is that my kids take relationships more seriously. They don’t settle. They don’t bring just anybody home. They don’t let us meet all their dates either. We’ve only met the ones they were serious about, and I truly think it has to be because of the way Eric and I have handled our marriage. A couple of our kids spoke at our vow renewal ceremony and said they want the love that my husband and I have. Our oldest daughter said it’s the reason why she’s not married. She can’t find a man who’s as committed as her father. She wants to be treated and handled the way her dad handles me. That says a LOT and my husband and I don’t take it lightly. We are very aware and mindful about our interactions around our children. We don’t fake anything around them. They see the REAL DEAL; they see us disagree with love. They see us resolve an issue with understanding and a sense of agreeing to disagree if it comes to that. They see us laugh a lot. They see us cry sometimes about various things. But I’m glad they see it all. I want them to. I didn’t see it with my parents. I know back then it wasn’t a child’s place. And I’m not saying children should see and know about everything in your marriage. But what I am saying is they should see the foundation. They should see the love, pain, happiness, struggles, and resolutions! Well, I’m glad mine did. Because now they want a lasting marriage and not just get married for the sake of having a spouse. AND they know there will be hard times and how to navigate those. They are all very intentional with their relationships and I love to see it. I’m proud of them for it.
And even with all the pain I went through as a child with my parent’s divorce, I’m glad I had that experience. I got to see my mom in a happy place with my stepfather. Thinking back on it, I never saw her smile much with my dad. So, it was good to see what a marriage could look like seeing her with my stepdad. I learned how to deal with pain at an early age. I learned what I DIDN’T want for my children. God led the perfect man to me. He knew I needed a man who wouldn’t let me divorce him. So, while I didn’t go through a divorce of my own marriage, I still know the pain it can cause. I think it’s good hearing a different perspective because a lot of times when people talk about divorce, it’s thru the lens of the couple. Folks should know it impacts the kids too A LOT and how they’re feeling.
My prayer is that nobody has to experience this pain but with divorce rates at nearly 50%, I know it’s probably unlikely. So, my prayer is that all parties involved find an outlet for their pain, anger and sadness. For the parents to really talk to their children and don’t ignore or make their feelings seem invalid. The divorce is between the two people, but the impact is felt throughout the family. Recognize and deal with that too.
Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.
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