I recently saw a commercial for a new television show that walks through a man’s life in 3 different scenarios. He basically gets to walk thru the “what if’s”. I thought about how interesting that would be and if I would want to see my life in the various ways. Would you?
Growing up, I wanted to be a high school algebra teacher. I had some really good teachers growing up who impacted my life tremendously. I still talk to one who is very special to me. We’ve remained in touch even after she moved to Hawaii after my graduation. The influence she had on me was lifelong. I wanted to make that same impression on young people. So, I thought a teacher would the best option. I love math so Algebra was my first choice. I often wondered what my life would be like if I had followed that dream. One of the biggest questions I ask myself is if I would have still had 4 children if I was a teacher. Being around kids all day at work, would I want to come home and be around kids? Had I become a teacher, how would my life look today? Would I have stayed in my hometown? Would I be retired already? Would I had caught a case and be in jail now? You know some of these kids and their parents are doing the most nowadays. So many unanswered questions.
There was also a time when I wanted to just marry rich and be a kept woman. I wondered if I met someone filthy rich and married him, how would life look now? Would I still be married? Would I be broke now? Would I have done like other wives of famous people and married another rich man after my divorce? Would I be superficial and shallow, or would I still be the grounded, humbled woman I am today? Would I have children? Would I eventually want to do something to make my own money, be my own person? I would like to think that sooner or later I would get bored just sitting around doing nothing. I’m not filthy rich now and I get bored when I’m not busy most days. So, would I feel the same in this scenario? Or would I be so busy traveling and spending money that I wouldn’t know any different? Knowing myself today, I don’t think this would have worked out well for me in the long run. But I still think about what that life would have looked like if money wasn’t a factor.
Another dream I had was running my own quality assurance and accounting firm. I saw myself in the office on the top of a huge building with a great view of the city below. I pictured what the office looked like as well as my assistant. How would life look then? Would I be one of those women who couldn’t find a man on her level? Would I be “married to my job”? Would I be considered intimidating by some men making it harder for me to date? Would I have children? Would I still be doing that work or would I have sold my firm and retired? I think if I had recognized accounting and quality assurance as my passion earlier in life, this could have been a real possibility. I even believe this could have happened after marrying my husband had I put my mind to it. But with life and raising kids, there just wasn’t time for me to do anything like this.
One of the things I think about the most is what my life would be like had my mom lived past my senior year of high school. There was so much going on in my life when she died. So many questions I ask myself. Would I have gotten pregnant in the first place? I think part of the reason why I was out messing around with Eric was because nobody was really paying attention to what I was doing. Not that my parents didn’t care. That’s not the case at all. There was just so much going on with my mom and her breast cancer that she was the priority, rightfully so. If she wasn’t sick, I don’t think there’s any way I would have been able to get away with half of what I did. Not that I was purposely out acting a fool because I knew I wouldn’t get in trouble, but I was occupying my mind and time. Probably could’ve pick better activities but too late now. But back to the questions and thoughts on if my mom had lived. I wonder if I did get pregnant, would I still have been asked to put my daughter up for adoption or would my mother have helped me raise her? Would I have I stayed in college? Would I have stayed down in the LA area? Or would I have come back home, and life pretty much end up where I am today? Married with kids? If I did marry, would it still be Eric or someone else? Most importantly, how would my sister’s life be different? She was only 11 when my mom passed away, so it was MUCH harder on her. How would my sister’s life look today had my mother lived? So many uncertainties.
I think about these different scenarios from time to time, but I don’t know that I would actually want to live them out like the show. In my opinion, there’s good and bad that can come from it. If you can see how things turn out in one scenario and it’s better than how you’re currently living, is there a possibility that you resent your current, actual life? On the flip side, I guess it could be a positive and motivate you to go after that lifestyle. If one of the scenarios turns out worse than your life, than I imagine that would help you to be grateful for all you have. I’m believe there’s a positive in every situation. It’s just a matter of you figuring out what you can learn from it. That being said, I think if you were able to look at the different lives and see how it turned out, that you somehow devalue the life you choose, the life you’re living. I would think that if you’re able to constantly jump in and look at how life COULD BE, you miss out on living your current life and all the lessons and blessings in it. If you always have an escape to another life, how do you ever deal and grow in you real life? So, I don’t know if I would want to do that. I like imagining it, but I don’t know that I would actually want to see and BE in the various scenarios.
Plus, I believe in my heart of hearts that if my mother was alive, I would not have married Eric. We would probably be in each other’s lives some type of way because of our daughter, but I don’t know that we would be married. I think had my mother lived, she would have made it her business to make sure my husband was in our daughter’s life day one and that may have caused friction at the time because Eric and I weren’t in a good place during my pregnancy. I just don’t know what that would have looked like. Maybe being around each other then would have caused us to get married sooner. Maybe we would have been just fine and ended up where we are today. But I don’t know if that would have been the case if we had been FORCED to be around each other for the sake of our child. Then the question I sometimes torture myself with is would I rather have my mom alive or my marriage? That’s such a tough one for me. If I have my mother here, do I have my other 3 children? Would my mom WANT to be here knowing that they may not be? Do I give up my years of marital bliss and the life we built? Knowing that everyone ended up ok after years of getting passed my mom’s death, do I pick my marriage? I don’t know that I do. I think I pick my mom every time if for no other reason than it would have benefited my sister greatly. I also think my mom’s death caused a trickle effect in the family in so many other ways. Had she lived, none of the other things happen. But can I really say that??? This is why playing the “what if” game is so dangerous.
Aside from the question of my mom living, another question I ask myself in all these scenarios is would I have children? I bring up my kids and if I would have them in these scenarios because growing up, I didn’t want children. It’s not that I didn’t want to be a mother, but I never saw my life after high school. I always thought I would die young. That is a story within itself, and I’ll tell it on another day. But I didn’t know if I would have kids and after having our oldest daughter my senior year in high school, I knew I didn’t want any more if me and her father wasn’t going to be together. So, I don’t know that I would have had children had I married in one of the other scenarios. And knowing my children today, I don’t know that I would want kids if it wasn’t THEM! I love the little people that have now grown up into awesome adults. But then again, since I know what motherhood feels like, I don’t know how I DON’T choose to be a mother in the other scenarios. Again, dangerous game we play in the “what ifs”!
I look at my life now and I wonder if I would change anything. I wouldn’t. My life hasn’t always been easy, nobody’s has, but I take the good with the bad. Like I said before, I look for the positive in it all and even in the bad times, good came out of it. There was a lesson learned so the same bad times weren’t repeated. We try really hard not to live with regrets in our home. So, I wouldn’t change a thing. There have been times when I’ve played the “what if” game in my current life. For instance, where would we be if I had told Eric that I didn’t want to move out of California to go to Colorado? Or told him I wasn’t leaving Colorado to go to Minnesota. Those were two huge decisions we made that would have totally taken our lives down a different path had we chose differently. What impact would that have had on our family? On our marriage? We grew tremendously in both those areas in both those moves. So, had we stayed in California or not left to go to Minnesota from Colorado, what would our careers look like now? Both of those moves blessed us beyond belief by way of friends, career, finances, just every aspect of our lives. So, it’s hard to imagine not making those decisions. But I wonder what life would have looked like had we stayed in Sacramento. It’s hard to even think about living in California now but what if?
Walking through all the scenarios and thinking about the what ifs in my current life, I don’t know that I would want to see those outcomes or any of the other scenarios. Like I said, I think it would take away the beauty of what my life has become. Every day, every decision created who I am and the life I have now. It wasn’t always easy. There were some pretty dark days, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I enjoy my life. I love my husband and my children. We have an awesome family. I wouldn’t want to change anything that happened along the way because that wouldn’t only impact me but them as well. Let’s say I did marry rich and had children. Would I have spoiled, entitled brats instead of the strong, self-sufficient, compassionate children I have now? I’ve been married for over 30 years. If I had chosen to build an accounting empire, would I even be married? Would I have an awesome man like my husband there to support me? A man who can lift me when I’m down, be my soft place to land? I don’t know. Maybe, but going down that path, even to just take a peek, isn’t worth it to me if it would impact my current life and relationships at all.
I know people want to live in the “what ifs”, but do you really want to see it? Is it worth knowing what you may have lost or not have today? If I was a multimillionaire in one of those scenarios, could I truly come back and be happy with my bank accounts today? Would I always be thinking about those millions in times when we struggled to pay the light bill? Would it make me look at my husband or myself differently? I don’t know but I do know I wouldn’t even want that problem, that headache. I’ll keep doing what I do now. Think about them from time to time when I’m telling people what I wanted to be when I grow up but other than that, I’ll be grateful for all I have and for what’s to come. I hope you all can find happiness in your current lives as well and not dwell on the “what ifs”. If you don’t like something that’s going on in your life right now, change it but don’t live in the hypothetical.
Be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.
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