I’m so confused listening to and watching some of these women on TV today that say they want a husband. It seems to me that they want the husband in name only because none of them seem to really want to be a wife. They have all these “rules” they want to tell their husband about the type of wife they’re going to be. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for strong women and making your marriage look and feel how you want it to be. But I hate to be the one to tell you this, the marriage ain’t all about us ladies. The WEDDING may be, but the marriage…nah… that’s a compromise between the two of you. So, some sacrifices will need to be made.
I can relate to some of the things women are saying because I’m a strong woman. So I understand the “fear” in feeling like you may lose part of yourself by joining with another. I had all these feelings before I got married. But that’s not the case at all. When you marry someone, you’re not giving up yourself or any parts of yourself. Hopefully you’ve found a partner that you’re equally yoked with and you two become stronger together. You GROW as an individual and as a couple.
Here are some things I hear women say about marriage. And like I said, I felt some of this so I can relate. I’m going to break down each one of these statements and hopefully after reading this, it’ll help some woman or women out there think differently about marriage.
“I want to be married but I don’t want to take his last name. I’ll lose my identity. This has been my name my whole life. Why should I change it to his?” – I can relate to this. In the beginning I didn’t want to change my last name either. I had the thought that me marrying him didn’t mean I had to change my name. I could still be me and his wife. Then a few things came to mind. How do I explain that to my children? I didn’t want to be at their school and explaining why we had two different last names. I also went back to the bible. My husband and I became ONE when we married so that helped me in the decision to change it. Also, when a man asks a woman to marry him, he’s asking her to take and accept ALL of him. That includes his name. Because think about it, the ONLY thing a man has that’s truly his is his name so for him to want to give it to a woman, says a lot. Ladies, trust me you don’t lose yourself or your identity when you take on your husband’s last name. You GAIN another layer to add. I will ALWAYS be Toniece Richardson, that’s who I am at my foundation. But adding Thomas gave me another layer of what my husband’s family means to me, which is strength, love, acceptance, and perseverance. Why wouldn’t a woman want to add that to her life? So, women, trust me when I tell you that one of the greatest gifts a man can give you is his name. Take it and wear it with pride!
“I want to be married but I’m not submitting to NO man.” WHEW CHILE!!! This is a big one. I can see women rolling their eyes and sucking their teeth on this one saying to themselves UM NO MA’AM WE ARE NOT SUBMITTING! Ladies I HEAR YOU!! I was the same way when I heard it the first, second, third, fiftieth time! Wasn’t no way I was submitting to my husband. They had me twisted! THEN I investigated what it meant to submit. I think a lot of women hear the word “submit” and instantly think they are going to be treated like a servant, a slave, a dog who’s at the beck and call of their master. At least that was what was running thru my mind when I heard it. But that’s not it at all ladies. To submit to your husband is to let him do what’s he’s meant to do which is lead the household. BUT WAIT… let me first say in order to submit to your husband, your husband must first submit to God. If you don’t believe in God, then your husband should be submitting to a higher power, the universe, but he can’t be out there thinking he is calling the shots. Life will surely show him differently. If your man isn’t humble, trustworthy, and wise, then I’m not talking to you in this scenario. Because you can’t submit to a man who doesn’t hold these qualities and believe in a higher power. Ok now that we got that out the way, let me get back to why you women should submit to your husbands. It is truly a win/win for you ladies. When I decided to submit to my husband, this is what it meant to me. It meant that he would have the final say of decisions that impacted the household. It meant that he was the head of our family. It didn’t mean that we didn’t discuss decisions or issues but if we disagreed on what the answer should be, he was free to make that final determination. WAIT LADIES before you get to rolling your neck, listen to me. THIS SERVES IN YOUR FAVOR!!! You’re truly in a win/win. If your husband makes the right decision, then you win because it worked out. If your husband makes the wrong decision and it turns out what you said was right, well then, he made the decision and he should have listened to you. This opens the door for him to listen to you more in the future. It lets him know that you too have the best interest of the family at heart, and he can trust your judgement. I’m not saying that husbands don’t trust their wives to make the right decisions but ladies we all know that sometimes men think they know more than us. It’ll be in times like these that men learn lessons and when they know better, they do better and that’s a win for the entire family. So, ladies, if you have a man who you trust. A man who you know will do you no harm. A man who can lead your family to the next level, then submit to him. He’s not going to steer you or the family wrong. You do not become a weak woman because you submit to your husband. You become a stronger partner for him to lean on. One of the best things you can give your husband is confidence and when you show him you trust him 100% by submitting to him, watch his chest stick out a little bit further and his head held just a little bit higher. They’ll be nothing he can’t accomplish for himself, you and the family! I’ve lived it so I can tell you it’s a beautiful thing to witness in your husband.
“We’ve been together for XX years; we don’t need to get married. It’s just a piece of paper.” This one literally makes me laugh out loud. Marriage is so much more than a piece of paper. I can prove it by this scenario. Right now, if your significant other gets into an accident (God forbid) and must have surgery or any medical decisions made, next of kin is going to get to make that. I don’t care if you’ve been with that man 15 years and he hasn’t spoken to his momma in 12, the momma will be able to make that decision if the proper paperwork isn’t already filled out (and most folks don’t have that). Check out the scene in Diary of a Mad Black Women when the soon to be ex-husband was shot. His new girlfriend and the soon be ex-wife were both at the hospital. The soon to be ex was the one who made the decision on the medical procedures because they were MARRIED! The same goes if your significant other passes away. We’re hearing more and more about people dying without a will. If you moved into their house, guess who gets the house after they die? May not be you. There will most certainly be a legal fight with you and their family if the proper paperwork isn’t filled out. When you’re not married, the effort to stay when times gets hard is lessened because you can easily pick up and leave. When you’re married, you FIGHT for your marriage because it’s a marriage and because who wants to go thru the process of a divorce. And don’t get me started on having kids in this type of union. I’m in no way judging because we had our first two children before we got married. But it’s different having kids when you’re not married. Men did you know that the woman doesn’t have to put your name on the birth certificate if you’re not married? That child doesn’t even have to have your last name. Now what? What type of rights does this father now have? I know this may seem extreme, but these are the types of things that can happen when you’re not married. And that’s just the legal and medical stuff. Let me tell you what “that piece of paper” can give you mentally and emotionally. There’s a sense of peace that comes over you in marriage. A sense of security. A sense of true partnership. There’s a deeper respect for your partner. And believe it or not, a deeper love comes when you’re married. I’ve been married for over 31 years at the time of this writing, and I can tell you, I still get a deep joy is saying this is my HUSBAND or hearing him say this is my WIFE! Some may think it’s just labels but there’s truly a deep meaning in those words. And being common law doesn’t have the same impact. Trust me I was there too and there’s a difference.
Ladies I hope this was helpful for you. I hope after reading this you learned that you can still be that same FIERCE, STRONG, EDUCATED, BEAUTIFUL QUEEN you always were even after you marry, take his name, and submit to your husband. It can happen because I AM THAT QUEEN! I am still VERY opinionated (ask any of my friends and my HUSBAND). My husband STILL hears my opinion on any major decision that impacts our household. We haven’t always agreed but it’s always worked out. I still hold onto everything my daddy thought me about what it means to be a Richardson. I’m no less of a woman because I took my husband’s name, or I submit to him. As a matter of fact, I’m stronger BECAUSE of it! Marriage is not for the weak and maybe that’s the real reason some haven’t taken the leap. But I want you know that although it may at times be rough, marriage with the right person is ALWAYS worth it.
Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing!
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