Ever have one of those days, weeks, months where you just feel BLAH! You can’t really put your finger on why you’re feeling this way, but you just feel almost numb. I feel that way occasionally. I found that it hits me the hardest towards the end of the year. I figured that’s because it’s around my parent’s birthdays and since they’re both deceased, I am missing them. But it goes beyond that, I think. There are years when I’m not sad at all. I miss them, of course, but I have happy thoughts about them, and the year isn’t so bad. But I’m still in this “yuck funk”. I can’t shake myself out of it. I have tried numerous things… journaling, exercise (IF I can muster the energy), music, etc. and nothing seems to work. So, I’ve learned to just accept it.
This past year though, I really tried to dig a little deeper into it and see what I could do to release this energy. In general, I’m a very happy person who loves to laugh so I hate when I have these periods. I wanted to try and figure out what was causing it, how I could either prevent them from happening or shorten the period of time I’m in the funk. I needed to know if it was something I was doing or is it really just the time of the year. Is it something that I’m allowing others to do to me, make me feel? WHAT is causing it? I was bound and determined to discover the root cause to what is now known as my “blah” period.
On my quest to find out why I go into the dumps, I learned that maybe these times are necessary. Maybe my body and my brain need to rest. I notice that as I near the end of the year, I get hard on myself to finish up my goals I set for myself. My mind was going 1000 miles in every direction thinking of everything I had left to accomplish. I tend to look at the WHOLE goal instead of the steps it takes to achieve it. That was a contributing factor to me feeling overwhelmed. I just read the book Will and he talked about this a bit. He wrote about how his dad made them build a brick wall when he was a kid. It was so overwhelming but once he learned to look at building the wall brick by brick instead of looking at the wall, it made it easier to get done. This is what I felt I needed to do. So, I broke down the goals and put them in steps. I didn’t need to accomplish the whole goal by the end of the year, but could I finish a portion? That really helped to ease my anxiety. My mind was a little less chaotic but that didn’t completely “fix” me. So, I looked at other things that may be contributing to my chaotic state.
The holiday season is a busy one for me at home and work. If you’re in the medical field, you know open enrollment season is a beast. So work was not easing up. Home was busy as well because I usually host Thanksgiving and we have a Christmas party at the house. Our daughter hosts that but I still need to get the house in shape for company. So, everything just needed to get done and I felt like I had no escape from the insanity! So, I told my family, I’m not hosting Thanksgiving. My sister had recently moved to town, so I asked her to cook. THANKFULLY, she said yes. So that was a HUGE chore off my plate. I thought that would release the burden of heaviness, however, that wasn’t it. The breaking down of the goals and easing up my holiday duties, didn’t settle my spirit which let me know there was more to it.
So, my quest to get to the bottom of this funk continued. I dove into my parents and how they may be contributing. My parent’s birthdays are Nov/Dec, so I obviously thought of them then and their passing. But even during the times when dealing with their deaths isn’t as bad, I still fall into this lull. WHY THIS TIME OF THE YEAR!? Did something traumatic happen to me as a child that I had buried that now surfaces in this mood swing? I had to rule that out because I couldn’t remember anything plus this was something that emerged later in life. I would think if it was a childhood trauma, it would have been with me since the incident. I could be wrong because I see people who are triggered by an incident as an adult that takes them back to their childhood. But that wasn’t sitting in my spirit either. That wasn’t it.
In talking with a friend, Sha (who has become framily, see my previous post), she asked me what are you thinking about during this time? What is most on your mind while you’re feeling sad because the answer lies there. It was my mom. Those last few months of the year, my mom is heavy on my mind. Her birthday is in November, but the anniversary of her death is September. I can usually feel myself starting to slip into this “yuck funk” mid to late September and I stay there until the end of the year. It wasn’t always like that. It seemed to become longer periods of time as I aged. So, after speaking with Sha, I knew my mom was the trigger. But WHY? My mom was a beautiful spirit and always happy. Her smile was contagious. She was my strength, my rock. Her name was Gloria, which is Immortal Glory, so fitting! Why would thinking about her cause me to become so low? Then after really thinking about it, it wasn’t my mom per say. It was what I left unsaid. It was what I left unresolved. It was guilt around some things that happened before she passed. It was feeling that I had somehow failed her. It was not being able to say sorry. It was not being able to say goodbye. It was watching the pain I was feeling from her loss affect my relationship with my own children. As time went on, it grew to guilt of surviving and wondering why I got to live past 39 years old and she didn’t? Why was I here to see my grandbabies but my mother never got to see hers? The pain just seemed to grow as the years went on. Nothing was falling off this plate of depression but rather just piling up higher. Because I never dealt with my initial feelings, it became heavier as other feelings of guilt and shame crept in.
So once I found out what was causing it, I had to figure out how to resolve it. I couldn’t hear the words I needed to hear from my mom (so I thought, keep reading) since she passed away. I couldn’t talk to my dad or my aunt to see if my mom was feeling this way about me (I KNEW she wasn’t but needed to hear it). They too have passed away. So how was I going to get off of this emotional rollercoaster that was invading 4 months of every year. I didn’t want 1/3 of my life spent in this cycle of pain, hurt, guilt and shame. My mom wouldn’t want me living in it either. So, I needed to figure this out.
As you can imagine, digging this deep into self can cause you to feel extremely overwhelmed, exhausted, and vulnerable. This wasn’t something that happened overnight. It took me the few months in the funk to figure it all out. I thank God for my husband, kids, sisters, and friends who either knowingly or unknowingly went thru this with me by listening to me talk about it, dealing with a mood swing because of it or just being with me while I was feeling down. I’m not an easy person to deal with when I’m in this state because it’s so unnatural for me. But they all stuck by me like they have for the many years I’ve gone thru it. This time however, it was going to be different because I figured out what it was. I just needed to figure out how to resolve it.
Once again, I talked with Sha about it. I’m sure Sha got tired of me because she was telling me some stuff and I was being hardheaded. But she remained patient and listened to me every time! Sha is VERY intuitive. Her spirit is connected to a higher power. I truly believe this. She’s too young to be this wise for there not to be a serious spiritual connection on her life. So, I really took what she said to heart. Sha told me to make space in my house for my mom. Sounds crazy right? Make space? I’m thinking my mom is welcomed here anytime. As a matter of fact, she’s been here. But that’s not what she meant. I needed an alter for my mom. Not where I would worship her but where I can connect with her when I need to. I needed a safe space where I could grieve, talk to her or just BE with my mom. My mom is buried in California, so living in Texas, I don’t have easy access to her burial site. So, I liked this idea of “making space” for her. Sha also told me to write down everything I was feeling about my mom and then burn it. Let it go especially since I know my mom wouldn’t want me to feel this way. I never got around to writing it down and let me tell you why. One night I had a dream. It was my mom. She had come to me to tell me everything I needed and wanted to hear. She said no apology is necessary because I did nothing wrong. She told me she was proud of the woman I had become. She told me to not feel guilty for being alive and experiencing my grandbabies. But rather enjoy life and enjoy being a grandmother to the fullest. She told me she was never ashamed of me or any of my actions but rather she loved me more than life itself. She said I didn’t need to say goodbye to her before she left this earth because she never left me. She told me despite what it looked like, she wasn’t always the best mom and had fallen short with me and my sister too. She said it happens. Mothers aren’t given a handbook and each child is different so do the best I can and just make sure they know I love them. She then rubbed my face gently, smiled her beautiful smile and said she loved me. And as quickly as she came, she left. I woke up in tears, cried like a baby. I’m crying now thinking about it but just like then, they are happy tears. It was just what I needed. It was just what I wanted. I felt such a release. The burden had been lifted. I instantly felt better. I was drained because that was a lot for me to take in, but my spirit was calm. After years of searching, wondering and just dealing with it, I now had a resolution. I now knew what was causing this. I was now able to let go of the shame, guilt, anger, and sadness surrounding my mom’s death. I was now free to forgive myself.
Depression, sadness, blah moments, funks are REAL! If you’re experiencing it, don’t feel bad. Don’t feel like you’re less than. Find the cause and see if you can resolve it. Do what you have to do to make yourself feel better. Ask for help from those around you. I asked a simple question about leave of absences on my Facebook page. Two women reached out to me about how that process works. In talking to them, we talked about how I was feeling and turns out they were having the same overwhelming feelings. They actually took the time off work and provided feedback on how it benefited them. Just listening to their advice and being able to express my feelings helped immensely!!! I think just having those conversations gave me the courage to dive deep into the trigger for my “yuck funk”. I wasn’t alone and there were options in front of me if I needed them. Just knowing that really helped me get back to ME! I am forever grateful to those ladies… two more women who are becoming FRAMILY!
So, if you are experiencing this or have bouts with depression, overwhelming periods, I would suggest you dig into why you’re feeling this way and seek assistance. That could be professional help if necessary or just picking up the phone to call a friend or family member. Everybody is going thru something so they may have been where you’re at and can help guide you out of it. You’re not alone. Let me repeat that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! If you feel like you are and have nobody to turn to, please send me an email. I would be happy to listen, even help if I can or guide you to someone who can. Be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.
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