Children/Parenting
When I was younger, I never thought I would have kids. I don’t know why. Maybe part of it was because I never thought I would live past high school. That is a different topic for a different time, but I never thought mother was a title I would hold. I love kids but just didn’t think I’d have any of my own.
God had other plans for me. In my senior year of high school, I got pregnant with our oldest daughter. Eric and I split up during the pregnancy, so I was SURE she would be my only child. I was determined not to have kids by multiple men. Nothing wrong with that but I just didn’t want to deal with that. I don’t know why or how that even became a thought at such a young age. It wasn’t like I saw it often in my family or with friends. It was just something that I knew I didn’t want. Maybe it was just watching my mom navigate between my dad and my stepdad that drove me to that decision. They didn’t not get along, but they weren’t the best of friends either. Anywho…. Like I was saying, I thought for sure my daughter was IT! I was good with that. My body bounced back, and I knew I would still be young enough to enjoy life once she was grown and heading out on her own. The Lord had different plans for me! 2 years after I had our oldest daughter, her father and I got back together, married, and went on to have 3 more children. WOW!! What an experience!!
As most mothers will tell you, I had no idea what I was doing. My own mother passed when I was 16 and although I had a lot of STRONG women who were mothers around me, I felt like I was on my own raising my kids. My mother-in-law was an AWESOME resource, and I went to her often. She was very no nonsense and she believed that parenting is about raising adults not children. Read that again! You’re raising adults, not children! That was to say, you need to teach your kids to be adults in every sense of the word. I totally bought into this philosophy because having lost my mother at such a young age, I knew I wanted my kids to be more prepared than I was. That’s not to say my mother was a bad mom. She wasn’t by any means. She taught me a lot during the time that I was with her. However, we were just reaching the peak of what I really needed to know to become a woman when she got sick with cancer. So, during my formative years, there was more hugs, love, and kisses than lessons. I wouldn’t change that because I’m glad I got to spend that time with my mom. I just wish I had her a little longer so I could learn more parenting skills. I’m sure my kids wish the same.
I don’t think I was a bad mother but two of my kids have told me differently. The common theme between them both was I was hard on them. I made them feel like they didn’t have a voice, that I didn’t want them around. That broke my heart because that was not the case at all. I just literally had no idea what I was doing, and I didn’t feel like I had anybody to ask. My husband is an EXCEPTIONAL father. I thank God for him being their other parent. I said it often and I’ll continue to say it, he was and is the better parent. He was the one who had more patience. He would teach them life lessons. He was fair. He has told me many times that I’m a great mom. That I had to be the tougher parent because he wasn’t always there due to work and work travel. There were months, literally months, when he was in another state, and I was left to take care of everything alone. I know there are a lot of single mothers who do it for YEARS, but I wasn’t a single parent. I had a spouse but he wasn’t always around, so it was tough at times. So I think this played a part in how my husband parented. Because of his work, he didn’t want to be the “bad” guy when he was around. So the kids didn’t see that often with him. Don’t get me wrong, he disciplined them when they needed it but he was always fair about it. So I think the kids appreciated it. What I don’t think the kids know is there’s side to him that the kids don’t see often if at all. There were a lot of times when the “Yes” that dad gave them actually came from me. I would convince Eric to let the kids go here, have that, do this. For instance, once the kids moved out, my husband didn’t think the kids needed to have a key or the code to get in the house. I on the other hand felt differently. I always want my kids to feel like they have a home wherever I’m at. So, they will have access at any time. It warms my heart to hear them coming thru the door especially when it’s unexpected. I don’t tell my kids this type of stuff because I don’t want to ruin any image or relationship they have with their father. I’ve been the bad guy regarding parenting, so no need to change that up now. But honestly, I spent a lot of the time wondering why I was there. Eric and the kids could have made it fine without me, I thought. It wasn’t until two of my other kids told me I was a great mom that I started to feel differently. How they always felt supported. How they wouldn’t want another mother. That made me feel great, but I still wanted to get it right with the other two.
Some folks didn’t believe in some of the ways we raised our children. We weren’t the parents who MADE our kids speak to us when they came in the house. We’re not fake and if our kids didn’t feel like saying hello, they didn’t, and it didn’t bother us! If they were upset and just wanted to go in their room, it didn’t bother me. Some folks think it’s a respect thing, but I didn’t take it that way. To me, it was disrespectful to MAKE them do something they didn’t want to do. I looked at them as little people with their own views, ideas, thoughts, and feelings. And I wasn’t going to force them to speak to me just because I was paying the bills in the house. Just because we’re their parents. We also let our kids be upset, for days even, if they wanted to. They didn’t have to speak to us if they were mad because we punished them. That was totally foreign for some of my friends who had kids. They would say “there is no way my kids aren’t going to speak to me for days. I’m the only one who can be mad in here.” Why though? Why can’t the kids be upset and process what they’re feeling? Why do they have to act fake around their parents because they are forced to speak when they don’t want to? Plus, my husband always would say to our kids “It’s ok if you aren’t speaking to us. You’ll need us before we need you.” He was right. Eventually they would have to speak to us. HAHAHA We’re very fortunate though because I can’t remember too many times when our kids went days upon days of not speaking to us. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that we allowed them to process their feelings on THEIR time and not ours.
When we would have family meetings, it wasn’t a dictatorship where Eric and I had an agenda and the kids just sat and listened. Eric and I weren’t the only ones who made up the family so we shouldn’t be the only ones who have a say. We allowed our children to participate and speak their minds, give their opinions and thoughts. Looking at them know, I know this is one thing we got RIGHT! They STILL speak openly with us about how they’re feeling. I’m sure they hold in some things but for the most part, my children have no problem telling me exactly how they’re feeling. It’s not always easy to hear but because I respect them as adults, I do listen. I may not take their advice, but I will listen and do what’s best for me. They do the same. It’s actually a beautiful thing to see in action.
There is no one size fits all for parenting. Each child is different and need to be treated as such. The foundation will be the same but there are little subtleties that you will need to tweak for each child. What I never understood is how children can grow up in the same household and turn out so different as adults. Why do some of them grasp every life lesson your taught them but others just act like they had no home training at all? Why do some take the hard route at EVERY turn? Why do they ask for advice and then do the exact opposite? It frustrates me to see it because 9 times out of 10, it’s the parents who must clean up the mess or get the blame.
I look back on things now and I know I could have been a softer mother, shared more tender moments. Maybe not yell so much, although when my kids told me I yelled too much, I did cut back. I could’ve taken time out with each one of them more often instead of looking at them as a unit. I felt like I was an open mom where they could come to me and tell me things, like wanting to have sex for the first time. Two of them did and I’m glad we made them feel comfortable enough to do that, but I wonder if I did enough. I remember my mother-in-law telling me she was the best mother she knew. I don’t know if that was true, but I appreciated her saying it. I think she respected the fact that we weren’t raising kids but adults like she told us. My kids learned early on how to do chores. The moment they learned their colors, they were separating laundry. They each had a night that they had to cook so they would learn how to cook and not have to depend on someone else to do it for them. They know how to do a deep cleaning of a house because of the “list” we gave them during spring and fall cleaning. They know the value of a dollar because we made them earn the extras.
I have seen other kids who were raised around the same time as my children and it’s almost night and day. Some things are the same. All the kids are respectful, loving and kind but some of them can’t function even the smallest tasks without the help of their parents. My husband and I notice it but don’t say anything; our kids do though. It’s very interesting to see how they view other young adults. I think now they appreciate all the life lessons and the way they were raised. I have a sense of peace knowing that if I died tomorrow, my kids would be able to handle life. They wouldn’t fall apart and not know how to do anything because we did it for them. I see them raising their kids and what I love is they are taking the best parts of what we taught them and adding their own touches to it. I see them with their children, and I am SO happy to see them doing things that I wish I had done with them. My grandchildren are so well rounded and I’m so happy and grateful for that.
I hear my kids talk about their childhood and it’s always fun and laughter. It’s funny NOW to hear about all the stuff they got away with. All the stuff they did to each other that Eric and I had no clue about. When I hear them laugh about it, I know I wasn’t all bad. All our kids are grown and moved out of the house which is tough as well sometimes. You always think that you’re only going to have to parent until they turn 18 but I found that parenting adults is a lot harder. Not on them but on me as a mother. I can’t protect them like I did when they were little. I have to hold my tongue when I don’t necessarily agree with their decisions. I don’t know all the details of their lives and sometimes it’s good because I don’t always want to know. Then other times, I wish they’d tell me. The money they need isn’t the $20 for lunch or the after-school dance. Now it’s the car note and rent. Hahahah but I love it! I love that they still want to hang out and come over. I love the conversations. I love them as adults. I am very proud of the adults they’ve become. They’re growing at different paces and that’s to be expected. I find sometimes I still have to stop myself of thinking one should be in a different place in their lives because of what another child is doing. I have to keep going back to they are all their own people. Yes, they’re all our children but they are individuals.
I wasn’t always the perfect mother. I’m sure I’ll make more mistakes as time goes one. It’s inevitable because I’m human. But now I hope when I do make a mistake that they understand it a bit more now that they are parents themselves.
After going thru all the trials and tribulations of raising my kids, I can say for sure that the Lord’s plan was definitely much better than mine. Because today, I can’t imagine myself NOT being a mother. It’s been one of my biggest accomplishments and has given me the most joy in my life. And just when I didn’t think I could love my kids any more than I already do, they turned around and made me a Nana! Now I get to love on little people all day long, spoil them rotten and send them home. Being a grandmother is a whole other post because the love I feel for them is on a totally different level. Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.
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