I consider myself to be a very uplifting and positive person. I think I smile more than I frown, and I like to see others happy as well. But not too long ago, I had a serious spiral into sadness. I don’t know if it was necessarily depression, but I was LOW. I am currently battling with menopause and all the glorious symptoms that come with it. For me, the emotional ups and downs have hit me harder than anything else. Everything feels heightened from my sense of smell to how I’m feeling. If I’m happy, I’m EXTREMELY happy but if I’m sad, I’m EXTREMELY sad. It was during one of these really sad times that I sat with the thought of suicide. STOP! HOLD ON! I wasn’t thinking about killing myself. I have some beautiful gbabies (grandchildren), wonderful kids, a fabulous husband to live for plus I’m AWESOME. However, I did think about how people could get there. I thought about Robin Williams specifically. A guy who seemed to have it all and always had a smile on his face. I thought about all the joy he brought to the world with his comedy. Then I thought about the pain that must be associated with that and at that moment I understood him. I understood why he chose to end his life.
When you are a happy person and you genuinely love to see people smile, it’s hard to be sad, depressed, lonely, low. Whatever you want to call it. It’s hard not to be able to bring people that joy. I have people who will text me or send me a direct message through social media and they will say “You crack me up”, “You’re so funny” and “You always bring a smile to my face.” Every time I get one of those, it makes my heart smile. So, when I can’t be that it hurts. I have one person who told me she goes right to my social media page to see what I posted because it brightens her day. It’s part of her morning ritual. Knowing that can be both a blessing and a curse. I am TRULY honored and blessed to know that I share a part of the day with this woman. It makes me smile to know that I can bring a little joy to her. But it can also be a curse because when I’m low and I can’t give her that, I’m crushed because I don’t know if that’s the one day she really needed it.
I didn’t know Robin Williams, but I wonder if he felt that way. Did he think because he didn’t have the energy to give others that joy that it just wasn’t worth it? Did the pain of not being able to bring someone happiness every second make him want to leave this earth? I don’t impact nearly as many people as he did so I imagine that pain was great for him.
Bringing a smile to someone’s face by keeping one on yours seems so easy to do so when you can’t, it makes you question your purpose. I believe everybody on this earth is here to serve others in one way or another. Part of my service to the people around me is to uplift others with positivity and joy. I believe that in my spirit. If it wasn’t, then I wouldn’t have been blessed with the some of the talents I have. So that one day when it was really low for me, when everything around me seemed dark, when my spirit felt crushed, I understood suicide. I understood why some people think that’s the only way out. I was stuck in that feeling for about 2 days. I was lucky. I can’t imagine what it must feel to have depression and be in that lowly place for days, weeks, months or even years. I’d like to think that if that was the case with me, I would seek help, but I can’t promise that I would. I would like to think that if I were in a depressed state for a prolonged period of time, that somebody would reach out. But I don’t know. People have their own “stuff” they’re dealing with so I can’t expect them to stop to help me with mine.
When people talk about suicide, a lot of times they consider that person weak or selfish. After that day, I ask you to rethink that. I don’t think they are weak or selfish at all. I think they were strong enough to accept their purpose and when they couldn’t fulfill that any longer, they didn’t know what to do. They didn’t know how to handle it, or they didn’t realize that the feeling may be temporary. I think maybe they didn’t know how to talk to others around them and let them know they just needed a break. Having sat in that darkness, I don’t think they were selfish either. My guess is they felt like they were letting others down or felt like a burden and they didn’t want that for the other person(s). They wanted to free their loved ones and others around them from their sorrow. Nothing about thinking about others and their feelings is selfish.
I mentioned that maybe people who commit suicide don’t realize the feeling is temporary. I imagine it’s hard to feel that way when you’ve been in a funk for a lengthy period of time. I remember when my mom passed away. I was a senior in high school and pregnant. After I had the baby, I remember sitting in the bathtub sobbing. I missed my mom so much. I had the razor blade in the bathtub with me because I was going to end it. I didn’t want to go on without my mom. My dad was AWESOME, and I loved him with all my being, but he wasn’t around then. We were with my stepfather who turned out to be semi-useless in our lives after our mom passed. So, I was ready to end it. Just end the pain, the sorrow I was feeling after the loss of my mom. I didn’t know how I was going to go on without her to guide me. And as you read in the previous post, not having my mother around impacted how I parented my children. But I wasn’t even thinking about any of that then. I just knew I missed my mom and I wanted to be with her. I thought suicide was the answer. I sat in the tub crying holding the razor blade to my wrist. Fully prepared to die that day. Then a flash of my oldest daughter, the one I had just given birth to, came to mind. Although my older sister and brother-in-law had adopted her, I still stopped and thought about how this would impact her. Would she one day have the same thoughts and fears about not having her mom around? Would me ending my life cause her the same pain that I was feeling after losing my mom? I don’t know. But I do know that I didn’t want to bring that pain on my daughter. I know my suicide would have caused pain for more than just her. I’m sure my younger sister would have fallen to pieces losing both me and my mom in such a short period of time, but I didn’t even think about her. I just thought about how my daughter would feel because I knew as a daughter the pain that losing my mom caused me. So, I put the razor blade down. I sat a little longer and cried but then realized that my life was bigger than me and I needed to think about others around me in this situation. Having lived in this space, I truly understand how people can get to this point. The decision to end your life is not an easy one so I sympathize with anyone who’s there or has been there.
I am in no way saying suicide should be an option. It shouldn’t be. If you’re having suicidal thoughts, PLEASE find somebody, ANYBODY and talk to them. Call the suicide prevention hotline. Sometimes talking to somebody you don’t know is better than talking to someone you’ve known for years. There are no preconceived notions or judgements. Here is however what I am saying. Let’s stop judging those who have committed suicide or say they’ve thought about it. Let’s stop saying they were selfish and they’re going to hell because they ended their life. Let’s stop saying they were weak when they felt they carried the weight on their shoulders while they were living. Whether that was real or perceived, it was their truth and that weight got too heavy. Let’s also look out for the people around us. Watch for warning signs. Check on the people who everybody seems to go to for help. Check on the ones who always seem positive and happy. Check on the strong family members and friends who always seem to have it together. Listen to people when they say they are struggling. They may not come out and say those exact words, but they’ll tell you in other ways. You KNOW the people around you. You KNOW how they normally act and interact. When you see changes, ask them about it. It could make a huge difference.
As always, thank you for reading today. I know it was a deep subject but it’s one we need to discuss more. If more people talk about it instead of making it taboo, maybe we’ll see less suicide and more people getting the help and support they need. We’re in a great space right now where mental health is being discussed in various arenas and is “accepted”. It wasn’t long ago that even discussing mental health meant that you should be locked in a padded room with a straight jacket on. So today, RIGHT NOW, I encourage you to do whatever you need to do to protect your mental health. Others may not like it if you cut them off for a period of time to get yourself together but that’s ok. They’ll get over it! YOU ARE A PRIORITY! YOU MATTER! YOU ARE LOVED AND NEEDED! YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS IMPORTANT!! MAKE TIME FOR YOU TODAY!!!
Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing!
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