Why do people cheat?
There are a ton of things people cheat on, right? Taxes, tests, diets but let’s talk about why folks cheat on their significant other. I’ll start with the men.
Over the years when I’ve talked to men who have confessed to cheating, I’ve heard several reasons why it happened. One of the most common and RIDICULOUS excuses I heard was “because I could and didn’t think I’d get caught.” Another reason why men said they cheated is because they wanted to get out of the relationship. I’ve also heard (and this is my favorite) “it just happened.”
I can’t really speak on the mind of a man when it comes to cheating but I can give you the woman’s side and opinion on them cheating. Men there are a few things to note. First of all, a lot of times a woman knows when a man is cheating. If you know nothing else about women, know this, we are the world's greatest detectives! We’re extremely intuitive and observant. Men are creatures of habit so when you break code, women notice. So, men, please be aware that the moment you start moving differently, we see you. We may start asking questions that seem odd or out of the blue. Most of the time, women do the laundry, so we notice more cologne on the clothes or how you’re wearing different things than the norm. Men you can’t let your significant other answer your phone and then BOOM one day she can’t touch it and you have a password on it. HUH? Then if you start “working late” but that check ain’t changed, yea that’s a negative. Now if you happen to be salary, she won’t know but you still need to be careful with that because a woman will find out if you’re at work or if you’re putting in work. These are just some of the OBVIOUS things y’all do that we notice. There are other “tells” but unlike other folks, I ain’t telling y’all our secrets.
But men, I will tell you a few things about women when they find out you’re cheating. There are really different phases because a woman who’s been with you for a short time may respond differently than a woman who’s been with you for years. Let’s take a look, shall we?
When a woman suspects her man is cheating AND SHE CARES (if I had to guess, I’d say about 98% of us care), she’s going to go snooping. I don’t care what she says, who she is, she’s going to look for clues. It’s in our nature. I told you we’re the world’s best detectives. Most women do this, not so much to catch you in the act, but rather they don’t like being a made a fool of. See once most women fall in love with a man, she commits 100%. She’s ALL in and the walls come down. She trusts you and she believes you’re going to do right by her. So, if she starts seeing signs that you’re cheating, she’s going to look so she can “stop the bleed.” That pain of you cheating is going to be harsh but the pain of her feeling like a fool is going to be even worse. When you cheat on a woman, you crush her soul. It takes a piece of her that she may not get back. It’s not just the relationship she starts to question but everything in her life. Her walls instantly go back up and her heart hardens a little. She’ll learn to trust again but there will always be a part of her that’s protecting herself because she doesn’t want to feel that pain again. The way that protection manifest is different in each woman but it’s there.
Now whether or not she takes you back after you cheated is based on a few different circumstances. Men if you’ve cheated on her before, more than likely she will. She’s taught you that you can cheat and come back. Women that is our fault! We teach men how to treat us. If we don’t want to be cheated on and that man does, then you must let him know you’re out or at the very least, there needs to be some stiff consequences for his actions. Only you know what that is but if all that man needs to do is cry a little and sweet talk you, he’s going to cheat again.
Every woman has different deal breakers and cheating may not be one for her. My husband knows if he cheats, it’s a WRAP! I don’t want him back, pack his stuff and GO! So, in my marriage if my husband ever cheated, in my mind that tells me he doesn’t want the marriage. He knew the consequences and CHOSE to cheat. So, I’m gone. Now if he ever hit me, that wouldn’t be a deal breaker for me. I know that’s a shock for many because I know some feel if a man hits you, it’s OVER. Well first let me say, he can’t be CONTINUALLY hitting on me. That is NOT going to happen. But if my husband hit me, he KNOWS without a SHADOW OF A DOUBT, I’M FIGHTING HIM, and he better not go to sleep in the house. Luckily, I have a good one and he would never, but he jokes and says if he ever did, he would knock me out so he would have enough time to pack. Good thing he knows! He don’t want this smoke. Lol
Now back to cheating, a lot of whether a couple can get past it depends on other circumstances. Like I said, is a deal breaker? Is it the first time? What was the reasoning (for lack of a better word) behind it? Were there problems in the marriage already? Was it physical cheating or emotional (which is worse in my opinion). Because like I mentioned in the beginning, there are various reasons why people cheat. So, part of the healing process is to figure out why the infidelity happened in the first place. There are a few women who wouldn’t care, but they are rare. She’s either cheated herself (we’re going to talk about women cheating in a minute), she doesn’t like you anyway and was just looking for a reason to leave or your cheating isn’t an issue for her, so she doesn’t care. Women in the latter category are scarce so don’t go out there cheating thinking your woman will be ok with it. Most of them won’t. But in this day and age, I’m hearing more and more about women being ok with their men stepping out. One woman said it takes the pressure off her. Another woman said it’s unreasonable to think that either of us will be with one person the rest of our lives. My question used to be, then WHY get married?? But I’ve learned over the years that every marriage looks different so what I expect in my marriage may not work in others.
Now ladies, you are not off the hook and men you’ll want to read this part. Women who cheat do so for a few different reasons. In a previous blog about women being fed up, I mentioned that there are signs that a woman gives before she leaves. Well, the same is true with cheating. It’s going to be very rare that you hear about a married woman or one who’s in committed relationship who just happened to be out, met a dude and slept with him THAT night. We’re just not built that way. Well let me put out a disclaimer… I can’t speak on some of these new school women. They are a different sort. The women I’m talking about are grown with their stuff together and something to lose because they’ve built a life with their partner. These women, more than likely, aren’t going to be out there all willy nilly hooking up with men. Most women believe their bodies are sacred and aren’t just going to let any man handle it. Now listen, I see a lot of men rolling their eyes and some women like GIRLLLLL…. I know ladies! We all have our hoe moments, but we weren’t in relationships then. So, I’m not talking about then. I’m talking about to the men and women in full blown committed relationships that cheat.
Men when your woman steps out on you, it’s because she’s more than likely asked you (probably begged you) for something she needs in the relationship, and you failed to provide it. Whether it’s time, affection, support, or love, your lack of it caused her to look for it elsewhere. Most women aren’t going to cheat because the money ain’t right or because she can’t go and buy the latest car, purse or because the house is smaller than she wants. She’s not thinking about material things when she cheats. It’s the lack of something intangible that she needs from you. When she’s not getting THAT, that’s when you start noticing her backing away. Like I said in the “Fed Up” blog, it’s when a woman gets quiet that is the most dangerous time in a relationship. So, while most women will be preparing to leave, others may be unknowingly preparing to cheat. I don’t think women set out to cheat unless it’s a revenge thing, but if a man happens to cross her path that is offering up what you couldn’t, she’s going to look twice. And once there’s interest, there could be trouble. Because a woman isn’t going to just hook up with him, she’s going to get to know him. And that’s why it’s so much more dangerous when a woman cheats. She does so with emotions and feelings, whereas with men it’s usually physical.
Women are less likely to get caught too. Like I said we’re great detectives and with that comes the ability to hide our indiscretions. More than likely, if a woman gets caught cheating, it’s because she WANTS to get caught. I’m not saying this is the case with EVERY woman. I’m saying this is the case for a lot if not most. But ladies, BE AWARE if you do cheat, the chances of your husband or mate staying around are slim! Men don’t bounce back like us. They can’t get past the infidelity like we can. Because men are territorial, it’s hard for them to imagine another man with his woman. So, if you’re going to cheat on your man, you better be prepared to lose him for good.
But I’ll go back to my original question, why do people cheat? If you’re not happy, LEAVE! Why put you, your partner, kids (if you have them) and others around you thru it. Because you best believe, it doesn’t only impact the two of you. Cheating touches all those around you as well because you’re not the same afterwards thus relationships aren’t the same. So, before you step out and do something you’ll regret, talk to your partner about your needs. And if they can’t meet them, then go. Leave the relationship. Cheating and the aftermath of it all just isn’t worth it.
Y’all be safe, be blessed and be a blessing.
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